5 Reasons I Would Give Up My Cell Phone To Have Season Five of "The Wire" Debut Tomorrow

1. I have run out of things to say about my cell phone, despite its kinda-cool voice recognition. As anyone who has to listen to me out loud will soon find, I am never out of things to say about David Simon & Ed Burns' televised novel masterpiece.
2. The show's editors — manipulative jerks that they are — splice micro-snippets of scenes from upcoming episodes amongst slices from previous seasons into the credits, each played over a different rendition of a killer Tom Waits tune. That's right — more thought is put into the credits of each season than was put into entire conceptual arcs of certain shows.
3. One word: McNulty (or "Nutty," as another character references him). The hard-living, manic-swinging "good police" was, for all intents and purposes, benched for all but one key scene in Season 4, and made out to be a guy on the mend. As any fan will tell you (and as the show's creators have been quoted as saying), nobody in "The Wire" plays the good cop for very long, so he's due for a bender or five. And when McNulty goes on a bender, he goes for broke.
4. This season's over-arching theme (each season plants itself inside something, be it the drug trade, the docks, city hall or the schools) is the media [edit: and, apparently, homelessness, though only cited once]. Not just the oft-depicted microphone-shoving and sensationalism, but how financial cuts, declining circulation, a public indifference to corruption and diminished resources for actual "watch-dogging" affect what stories get told in America's cities and why they seem to keep cycling into endless spin and nothingness. David Simon's a former Baltimore Sun crime reporter, one with a keen eye for how newsrooms really function. All you Washington wonks have gotten your share of shows to pore over and coffee-talk; this here's my baby.
5. Okay, one more word: Omar. Sure, I'm personally invested now in seeing what fates will be dealt to Cutty, the "kids" from Season 4 and Bubs, among many others. But, really, who can't help but wonder what can happen to a gay stick-up man who follows a twisted Ghetto Robin Hood code of only jacking drug dealers? It's not a show afraid to kill off even much-beloved characters when the streets finally catch up with them, so we're left with a vulnerable, confused, proud man who has crossed every crime organization on the East and West sides ... it's going to be a long summer.
   

5 Terrible and Mostly Unacceptable Excuses for the Break in Blogging

1. I thought that the Internet had been put on hold pending the release of the JesusPhone.
2. Was waiting for the whole Paris Hilton thing to come to a head before taking an official stance. Still waiting ...
   
3. Apparently, getting married (or, more accurately, being part of a wedding) is magnitudes more time-consuming than even choosing a graphics card.
4. I actually have been blogging all this time, but it just doesn't seem like it. This is because you, the person reading at this very moment, are the protagonist of a film directed by David Fincher, written by Charlie Kaufman or currently being outlined by possibly every film student not writing an irreverent "Garden State"-style semi-irreverent pseudo-memoir about being the only creative person in some stupid small town.
5. Didn't want to write a "I know it's been a long time, but ..." posts. Basically ended up writing it anyways.
   

5 Free (As in Speech) Windows Programs

... that don't get enough love. All of them are open-source and unrestricted, and usually better than the stuff Microsoft tries to dump on you. Tell a friend.

• Gaim — Multi-protocol (AOL, ICQ, MSN, etc.) instant messaging program that just works. It looks and runs exactly like regular AOL-style, you don't have to turn off a "ticker," "headlines," "buddy alerts" and 20 other options when you start, there's no ad space at the top of your buddy list, and, for those who need/want it, encrypted IM and tabbed conversations.


• avast! home edition — Anti-virus software that keeps itself up to date, doesn't burrow into (and leech resources from) every single aspect of your operating system, and lets you choose whether to check e-mail, Web and IM stuff, rather than duplicating services you may already have. (Some folks dig Clam Win, but I like avast!'s interface and less memory-hoggy qualities).


• VLC Media Player — a.k.a. "The End of Files That Just Won't Open In Windows Media Player." Seriously — if it ever was something involving sound or image, VLC can probably play it. And it doesn't dial back to the mothership to ask for "licenses" on those files that, you know, fell out the back of a truck.


• Firefox / Thunderbird — I won't repeat what you might already have heard about this browser and its sister e-mail client being safer and (usually) faster. Instead, I'll just pimp how awesome it is to be able to click one or two buttons and have ads completely blocked, PDFs under control, and bookmarks synced up with your del.icio.us acount. Oh, and both of them can be changed to look any old way you want.


• Audacity — It edits audio. It does it really well. You don't have to pay four figures for it. And if you just need something to convert files between formats, it can do that too.

5 Wikipedia Pages Worth Your While

1. "P-Funk Mythology" -- Wherein some of the world's geekiest people chronicle the far-reaching mindgasms of Sir Clinton:
   
   

   Starchild’s nemesis is Sir Nose D’Voidoffunk ... Sir Nose attempts to end the Funk because he is too cool to dance. He is the master of the Placebo Syndrome, which causes unFunkiness (a combination of stupidity and not dancing). His goal is to place the minds of all humanity into a state called the Zone of Zero Funkativity. Starchild, on the other hand, uses his Bop Gun ... to achieve Funkentelechy for all humanity.

   
   


2. "Captain EO" -- Big credit to Lermotron for this one, which I'd say will bring back deep-rooted, seriously weird memories for 66% of people my age.
   
   

   It was directed by Francis Ford Coppola, executive-produced by George Lucas, photographed by Vittorio Storaro, produced by Rusty Lemorande, and written by Lemorande, Lucas and Coppola. The score was written by James Horner ... The Supreme Leader was played by Anjelica Huston ... Lasting just 17 minutes but with cost estimates between U.S. $17 million and $30 million.

   
   


3. "Repo Man" -- Anybody who's seen this movie might be able to guess that former rental store clerk Quentin Tarantino would probably have seen it too, and maybe even been influenced by it. But the other stuff piled up in this Ultimate Cult Classic (a reference to "Kiss Me Deadly"? is pretty ridiculous. One of those pages that can lead you on a deep, deep Wiki-Tunneling excursion.


4. List of media using the Wilhelm scream -- What do "A Star is Born," "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," and "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle" have in common? Only the beautifully geeky folks who put together this list know for sure. (Hint: they're very vocal about their sound design choices).


5. List of commercial failures in computer and video gaming -- Beautiful, detailed schadenfreude, to satisfy that part of your soul that loves to mock multi-national electronics companies. Just the link to the Atari Jaguar alone is worth the read:
   

   Finally, in mid-1996, Atari ran early-morning infomercial advertisements with enthusiastic salesmen touting the powerful game system. The infomercials ran most of the year but did not significantly sell the remaining stock of Jaguar systems.

   
   

5 Songs That Just Came Up on iPod Shuffle

(not to get all "My cat is being mean today," but I needed
something to get back into the posting habit.)

1. "Lily and Parrots," Sun Kil Moon - If I got nothing else out of watching "Shopgirl," it served as a great introduction to Mark Kozolek/Red House Painters/Sun Kil Moon. This is apparently one of the rarer "Get Your Distortion On" tracks, but, damn, it's good. His voice is someting else; plaintive, sometimes weak but very real-sounding.


2. "Inner Space," Chick Corea - A really good album, from (I think) the period just before (or after?) Davis used Chick on "Bitches Brew." It's a lot more traditional, but out there at the same time. I love the recording sound from this era -- clean, but not too polished.


3. "So Hard Done By," Tragically Hip - Another distortion-heavy chug-along, but I love using idle time to try and figure out what Gord's trying to say with his endlessly-quotable lyrics. "It was true cinema a clef / You should see it before there's nothing left / In an epic too small to be tragic / You'll have to wait a minute, 'cause it's an Insta-Matic."


4. "Daysleeper," R.E.M. - This is one of my favorites from them. I like to think of it as a cynical version of "Nightswimming," but with a ridiculously great vocal hook.


5. "Little Brother," Black Star - From an unofficial J Dilla tribute compilation that I found on Soulse ... err, borrowed from a friend. He was patently obsessed with great drum patterns, was behind the scenes on some huge hits (the entire Q-Tip album, Common, The Roots) and knew enough about what sounds good to mix the "Now listen" spoken word clip into this extremely smooth track.

5 Great Things About Robert Wegman

All from his Washington Post obituary:

1. I don't have to pray every Sunday that Timmy Trainee knows the PLU code for scallions or napa cabbage:

   He was a leader in adapting technology to the sale of groceries and helped introduce the Universal Product Code, the identifying computer markings now standard on most packaged goods.

2. His store treats customers like valued guests, not temporarily useful interlopers. That means you don't get the Portal of Unhappiness feeling common at a lot of other "super" stores:

   Each year, Wegmans receives thousands of requests from the public asking the company to open supermarkets in their communities.

3. His first moves after inheriting the business in 1950 were surprisingly atypical:

   He immediately raised the wages of the staff and inaugurated a comprehensive health insurance plan. He broke down the corporate hierarchy so completely that, in one of his first acts, he fired his mother from her position as vice president. She didn't speak to him for three years.

4. His corporate vision was expansive but sensible, and his philanthropy was generous but precise:

   "I always said we didn't want to be the largest," Mr. Wegman once said, "but we did want to be the best."

5. The results speak for themselves:

   In 1994, supermarket analyst Neil Stern told the Wall Street Journal that he considered Rochester-based Wegmans "the best chain in the country, maybe in the world."

5 Really Great Things About Sandusky, OH (That Aren't Amusement Parks)

1. Meijer: It's the only "big box" store I know of where you can get Thai basil, a hunting bow, Chilean red wine and white lithium grease in the same trip. Not that I ever took advantage of that. Why Pay More! (Yes, it really uses that unfortunate punctuation.)
2. Amazingly good take-out Thai: The OK Wok hides its heritage behind that Generic Chinese Restaurant Name, but the owner, his nephew and his daughter run an amazingly tight ship ("9 orders? 13 minutes."). That ship also produces consistently great food. I still can't believe that I've had meals that cost twice as much at white-napkin restaurants that didn't get the loving attention that this little strip-mall joint gave its Catfish Curry, or its way-too-good-for-North-Central-Ohio Pad Thai.
3. The Lake Erie Islands: Specifically, Kelleys Island and Put-in-Bay. Each could easily warrant its own list, but let's break it down: Golf carts can be rented and driven as legal street vehicles; Kelleys has beatiful ultra-small-town scenery, while Put-in-Bay is one crazy, island-sized weekend party; Both give you dozens of "Lost"-esque questions to ask oneself about living on a lake that freezes over ("How do they keep milk stocked? What if the power goes out? Who plows the roads?")
4. "Members Only" clubs: Left over from the benevolent associations that were once the center of industrial town life (the Knights, the Orioles, etc.), there's still a few places in Sandusky (or Perkins) where you need a card to get in, or the owner has to buzz you in. Weird and potentially discriminatory? Yeah. Cool Prohibition-era feeling every time you walk in? You bet.
5. Ranting about the street layout: Every 'burg has its share of What In The Name Of God Were They Thinking intersections, but only in Sandusky can you say it was a Masonic conspiracy and not get laughed at.
   Why? Because it literally was a Masonic conspiracy. From Wiki:
   

   Downtown Sandusky was designed according a modified grid plan known as the Kilbourne Plat after its designer. The original street pattern featured a grid overlaid with streets resembling the symbols of Freemasonry. Hector Kilbourne was a surveyor who laid out this grid in downtown Sandusky. He was the first Worshipful Master of the Sandusky Masonic Lodge.

   The result? Multiple 5-way intersections in a city smaller than most suburbs, axle-straining 25-degree turns and dozens of useless triangular parks. And a sense of awe at what could've happened if the Knights of Columbus had gotten their hands on that street plan.